The teacher who became a teacher
Before the summer holidays, she was Mr. Lanser at school, now she is Mrs. Lanser. VMBO teacher Milly explains how she went about this. "It takes some getting used to."
Picture: Fred van Diem
"Mister -I mean madam- what beautiful nails you have!" It takes some getting used to if the teacher you knew as a man last week, suddenly is a woman. But it is not much longer than 'just' getting used to it, for the pre-vocational secondary and senior vocational students at Huygens College in Heerhugowaard. Their teacher Milko Lanser said last spring that from the summer he will go through life as Milly Lanser, as a woman.
“I've known since I was twelve that I like girl things just as much as boy things. I always loved being in girl groups - and still do. From the age of fifteen I experimented with women's clothing. But always in secret.”
Milly, now 56 years old, has spent years looking for who she is. “What made it extra complicated for me was that I did fall in love with girls. Then I am a boy after all, I thought. ” After two long relationships with a woman, Milly - then Milko - wanted to discover what it's like to be a woman four years ago. “I've always been kind of jealous of women,” she says. “After forty years in the secret I didn't want that anymore. I went to a special store for transgender people, bought a wig and got my make-up done. Then I went down the street as a woman. I thought people would be pointing at me, laughing at me, but that didn't happen. "Can I help you, ma'am?" Someone asked in a shop. That was such a beautiful moment for me. I showed myself as a woman in more and more places and attended evenings of a foundation for transgender people. That all added to my confidence.
After forty years in secrecy, I wanted to discover openly what it's like to be a woman
Talk
Slowly, Milko's transition reached his workplace, the North Holland Huygens College. A year ago, he enrolled in the gender team of the VU Medical Center and told his supervisor that he was no longer able to teach as a man. And then? How do you handle such a transition at school?
“I thought a lot between October 2018 and May 2019 and informed colleagues individually or in small groups as much as possible - colleagues who were friends had known about it for some time,” says Milly in July. “I wanted to be open and at the same time avoid small talk. I thought it would be good to tell my story to all the students of the school at the same time. At the request of colleagues, my coming out -or whatever you want to call it- linked to a project about respect and being who you are. During the project afternoon I read a letter with my story to my mentor class, which was simultaneously read by colleagues in all other classes. ”
Nervous
Milly was very nervous. "It was a point of no return. Not that I wanted to go back. The class fell silent, some students came to give a hug. Actually, that reaction was the same in all classes. ”
“I really liked the story of Mr. Lanser,” says mentor student Floor. “My mother also thought it was very good. She sent an email about that. ” Parents received an email at the same time that their children were being informed, telling the school about Mr. Lanser's gender dysphoria. “The first reactions from parents already trickled in during the project: all positive,” says Milly.
“I chose this school because of its open atmosphere, precisely because these kinds of things are possible here,” was a response I received from a parent, ”says Michiel Koekkoek, who was department manager during the project.
“Of course I did receive questions from students. I also urged them to ask anything they wanted to know, ”says Milly. "The questions were all respectful." Students wanted to know if Mr. Lanser now also likes men (no) and if his children respect it (yes). They also asked questions about make-up (yes, but: 'I'm not a Christmas tree or drag queen") and operations (not for now, and" Please don't use the word remodeling, not even against each other. I'm not a house and a surgeon is not a construction worker ").
Please don't use the word rebuild. I am not a house and a surgeon is not a construction worker
Trust
"The climate is safe here," Milly knew much earlier. “We had a student who was a girl in primary school, but a boy at our school. Another girl became a boy at our school and we had a boy with long hair who liked to wear pink dresses. That is all possible here. ”
Which of course does not mean that there is never an unconventional word. “At this school there is also bullying, unpleasant things are also said,” admits former department leader Koekkoek. "But this is a small location with 250 students who can ultimately be very open towards each other."
“There are also less open-minded people around here at school”, says colleague and friend Kyra Janssen. "But as a team we propagate acceptance, which gave Milly the opportunity to show what a beautiful person she is."
(Image: Fred van Diem)
Just before the holidays, that beautiful person literally showed who she is for the first time. In mid-July, Milly came to school for the first time as a woman during the meetings. Students were first introduced to Milly when they came to collect their report. With the exception of one student, she had already seen her. “As a woman I went to the movies with a colleague this spring when we met a student,” says Milly. “I thought she didn't recognize me, but got a note from her the next day. Lanser, I think I saw you at the movie yesterday, but you looked very different. You can trust me, but I'd like to talk to you about this. ' I immediately looked up that pupil and told me that she had indeed seen me as a woman, that I would soon be coming to school as a woman too; if she could keep it to herself for so long. The student responded very sweetly and kept her mouth shut. ”
Just before the report ceremony, for the moment when Milly receives her mentor class as a woman for the first time, she visits that one student and gives her a present. It is perhaps the most emotional time of the day. Because the sight of Mrs. Lanser turns out to be far from shocking. There are no awkward looks, there is no giggly atmosphere.
“Mister -I mean: madam- what beautiful nails you have,” exclaims student Demi. Milly and her students compare their nails, discuss the different nail salons in the area - it's all so normal. A student whose braces were removed the day before will be given more attention to her appearance.
Negotiable
“I just accidentally said 'sir' to Mrs. Lanser,” Demi later apologizes. "I've known her as a man all year, now it's strange to say madam."
And with that she summarizes what the situation is still like now, in the new school year. “Second- and third-year students sometimes make mistakes and call me sir”, says Milly. "But otherwise it is no longer a topic of conversation." Moreover, she condones: “I am mistaken myself too! Then I explain, for example, that I'd rather they tell me they've forgotten their stuff rather than make up an excuse, and then I say, "Pull my jacket, say, Mister-ah, I mean madam ..." ”
I've known her all year as a man, now it's strange to say madam all of a sudden
“Milly herself is the first to joke. She will not react sensitively if a student accidentally addresses her as sir ”, says former department manager Koekkoek. “She makes everything negotiable. The fact that this story went so successfully is largely due to the person Milly. ”
“Her coming-out at school is well established”, adds colleague Janssen. “But Milly did it herself. She has done nothing hastily, neither for herself nor for others. And she is very real, students feel that too. She is not one to act or put on a crazy voice. ”
“I can imagine that it is more difficult at a school in Amsterdam-West - I can name it - to tell your story in this way, that you keep it to yourself,” Milly thinks. "But if you don't make it too complicated yourself, it doesn't have to be."
When she recently had an introductory meeting with her new department manager, she dropped something about last year's respect project. “He didn't realize I was a man before. I was happy with that. And new students don't know any better than that I am a woman. I did tell them at the beginning of this year that I was still Mr. Lanser last year, the reactions were either positive or blank. I am already talk of the town it is now the order of the day. ”
