Bully needs help
Bully teenagers to protect their status. But they also develop the empathy needed to banish bullying in the classroom, according to American professor Mitch Prinstein. Teachers should help with that.
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Belonging, being popular, gaining admiration among friends. For high school students it is all at least as important as school results. And according to the American professor Mitch Prinstein they are right. Research shows that children who are popular at school become happier later, have better marriages, earn more, are healthier and themselves feel that they are of more social value.
Status versus sympathy
But beware, because not every kind of popularity is good for a child, Prinstein concludes in his book Popular, which appeared in a Dutch translation at the beginning of December. Prinstein distinguishes two variants: one is based on status, the other on sympathy. Children can be popular in the classroom, based on power and status, while classmates hate them. Other children are popular, loved, because the rest of the group likes them.
Research shows that the latter category of children is more successful later in life. According to Prinstein, it's important for parents, teachers, and children to understand the difference between status-based popularity and popularity that comes from people maintaining good relationships with others.
You quote in the book a friend who is amazed that children learn language and math at school, but not how to build relationships. They learn that by trial and error. Is there anything wrong with that?
“No, for most of us that is learning through trials and errors no problem, but children who have problems with this need extra help. It is important to systematically teach them skills they need to be loved, likeable, in the eyes of others. ”
A teacher can demonstrate in class how you listen to others, how you apologize, how you deal with criticism, or how you make it clear that you don't like something. Children can practice those kinds of skills step by step, for example with role plays. According to Prinstein, the class climate can also help develop these skills.
“It's good if schools work on an environment in which status is less important. Such schools emphasize that every child has something special to offer, even if they don't fit the traditional stereotype of 'popular'. In such schools, children learn in the classroom that anyone can be part of a team. Children who learn well how to interact in a team are more successful later in life. ”
What does classroom work in teams look like?
“Children can work together in projects or look for answers together. It is important that every child is appreciated for their own contribution. Schools that operate this way have less problems with exclusion or bullying. You make it clear to children: "This classmate may not be someone you want to play with, but you still need him to do a project together." This prevents the pursuit of popularity based on status from getting the upper hand. "
Teen experiences stay with us for a lifetime
In the book, Prinstein explains that experiences from our teenage years stay with us for a lifetime. They determine how we interpret situations. If we were bullied or felt rejected as a child, there is a chance that we will see those patterns again later in life. After a party, we may be more likely to think about the people who seemed to ignore us rather than the people who greeted us warmly. During a presentation, we see the people who are uninterested instead of the enthusiastic faces.
Prinstein cites research by the American psychologist John Coie (Duke University) from the early XNUMXs. Coie shows that children who exhibit behavior in a group that cause other children to reject them soon fall into the same patterns, even if they get a fresh start in a new group.
Sometimes it seems almost impossible to escape your past. That makes us sad, especially for children who have been bullied.
“The picture doesn't have to be that gloomy. You can indeed help adults and children escape stereotypical reactions and learn to interpret what happens to them differently. Awareness of certain thinking patterns helps. Or take aggressiveness. Children who are aggressive are at high risk of rejection. You can help a child who hits the spot at the slightest by asking them about other possible responses to a situation. You make them think about its pros and cons. You can determine the best response together with the child and then repeat it very often. "
It also helps when we make it clear to children that it is not their fault that they are being bullied.
“It is important that children do not assume that they are being bullied because there is something wrong with them. It helps if you explain why a bully does what he does. In many cases, bullies have had a hard time themselves. They have experienced aggression and violence themselves and mistakenly believe that is the best way to get your way. When victims understand that what happens to them is not their fault, that they don't deserve it, it helps them enormously in the long run. ”
You have your doubts about tackling bullying harshly. In US states where bullying is tackled harshly, overt bullying has been reduced, but children find other ways of bullying: anonymous, covert and online. That is a problem, but schools and teachers will have to protect victims, right?
“Bullies must absolutely suffer the consequences of their behavior. But we have to realize that they may be acting in ways that they do not understand or control themselves. Punishing them and asking them to stop is not enough. They need help from someone who can offer them an alternative so that they can achieve their goals and be less lonely at school. ”
Empathy is the antidote to aggression
The Education magazine wrote in March 2015 about a review by Canadian professor Shelley Hymel showing that it makes sense to focus anti-bullying policies on class climate and group norms. According to Hymel, this approach works well for children up to the age of eleven or twelve. In high school, those programs are no longer as effective. Prinstein writes that adolescents are addicted to popularity.
They long for appreciation and approval from their circle of friends. If necessary, they bully to protect their status.
Do you also believe that tackling bullying at this age is very difficult?
"Not necessarily. The teenage years are also the years when you see an increase in the capacity for empathy. Empathy is the antidote to aggression. You cannot be aggressive towards someone if you empathize with someone at the same time.
Adolescents are more able than young children to take in the other person's perspective and to realize what they think and feel. If it is not possible to muster empathy, you can learn it, for example by demonstrating the desired behavior as part of behavioral therapy. I'm sure you have one such an approach *Mitch Prinstein, Popular. The power of lovability in a world obsessed with status, Uitgeverij de Arbeiderspers, ISBN 9029506709, € 19,99 can also apply in schools. ”
This interview appeared in the Education Magazine of February 2018.
